Teenage daughter manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenage daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, butby the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenage daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there. You just have to look for her.
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I haven't read my daily reads lately, atleast not my entire list. I came across this on The Working Mom, my reading related to work, since I'm currently unemployed: Your Name: Kathleen AnnYour Date of Birth: 08/29/1971Your Question or Information:... Read More
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ROFL ROFL ROFLMAO!!!!
Oh, that brightened up the morning.
Oh my! I just had this very memorable dream with my teenage sister doing some of the very things this post mentions. LOL!
w00t! I'm all five recent comments.
I believe every father or brother should be provided with a copy of those directions upon the birth of the girl.
hooting!!!!
They forgot (a) get her on the pill, like, yesterday, and (b) endear yourself to her friends, because the only way she'll acknowledge your existence before her 20th birthday is if her friends think you're "so cool!" (not the same as trying to make her think you're cool, which is both hopeless and dangerous.)
From my own experience as a teenager, not from having my own. My mother is still awaiting the opportunity to point and laugh maliciously.
heehee so true! so true..
hehe i am one myself lol 
wow so cute...