Ashcroft Detains Janet Jackson's Right Boob

Just hours after singer Janet Jackson shocked the world by exposing her right boob at the conclusion of Sunday's Super Bowl halftime show, Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered the offending boob detained "indefinitely," Mr. Ashcroft confirmed today.

"Janet Jackson's right boob has been taken into custody and sent to Guantanamo Bay for questioning," Mr. Ashcroft told reporters in a Washington briefing. "We'd very much like to know what the boob knew and when it knew it."

Ms. Jackson's right boob was detained under a little-known provision of the Patriot Act which enables the government to detain celebrity body parts that make surprise, naked appearances at nationally televised sporting events.

Under that provision, Mr. Ashcroft explained, Ms. Jackson's right boob will not have access to a lawyer and could face a military tribunal at some point in the future.

When asked about Ms. Jackson's left boob, Mr. Ashcroft said that it is not a suspect at this time but that it remains "a boob of interest."

"We would like to know if the left boob knew what the right boob was planning to do," Mr. Ashcroft said. "It strains credulity to imagine that the right boob acted alone."

Elsewhere, experts around the world confirmed that moments after Ms. Jackson's right boob fell out of its housing, Western civilization fell as well.

Dr. Milton Campeaux of the University of Minnesota said that experts were "surprised" that Ms. Jackson caused Western civilization's long-awaited collapse.

"We all expected a Jackson to do it, but not Janet," he said.